in which i pop my meditation cherry
Posted on February 8, 2010 - Filed Under mayalife, yoga
I know, right? What am I thinking? I’m Ms. “I like my fantasy life, thank you very much,” what am I going to do with being mindful of the present moment? I mean, reality can be so disappointing. But I’ve been reading a stack of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras and its all dhyana (meditation) this and samadhi (bliss) that, and shoot. A girl gets curious.
So, while sitting outside while the kids ran wild in the woods, I thought…how about now?
Sure. Why not.
I figured I would stack the deck in my favor, so I picked this…
…as my meditation spot. Well, not IN the creek. Imagine me sitting on the bank, looking contemplative.
And I also figured I’d best not set myself up for failure by taking on more than I could chew, so I figured I’d give it, oh, five minutes.
That ought to do it.
Then I did what any good 2010 technogeek girl would do, and I pulled out my ipod touch and surfed over to the app store, because you know there’s an app for that.
A couple minutes later, I’m downloading ‘Zen Timer’ a clock thingy that will alert me to the end of my allotted five minutes with a nice tibetan bell sound. Because it isn’t meditation if you aren’t roused by a tibetan bell.
Okay, timer set, creek bubbling nicely beside me, kids climbing a death-trap fallen tree in my peripheral vision—yep, I’m good to go.
I actually did okay with the whole ‘follow the breath’ part. I guess all this ashtanga yoga with the Darth Vader breathing has gotten me used to listening to myself breathe. I could hang with the inhale, and hang with the exhale, hey, mom, look at me, I’m meditating!
But no ujyai breathing here, and apparently my normal breathing has a loooooong pause after the exhale. With no breath to follow for what feels like years…OH the places I an go in such a pause! Galaxies can be crossed! Novel plot points can be worked out! Fantasies lie in wait to grab me and spirit me away to never-neverland in that tiny, but deliciously spacious, pause.
Still, you just keep bringing your attention back, that’s the instruction, so that’s what I did, hauling my ass back from Alpha Centauri at the start of each next inhalation.
I think to myself: I can do this. See? I’m doing it already.
At some point the kids (and cat) tore by, screaming.
At some later point the kids tore by, screaming, but going the other direction.
My back started to hurt a little.
My breathing started to look a lot more boring than my inner story life.
And just as I got fed up, certain I had forgotten to activate my little timer, the bell chimed.
Five grueling minutes had passed. Try meditation. Check.
But what mom doesn’t want to sit and do nothing for five minutes? It was nice, even with the hurty back. Can a person have a small formal mediation practice of five minutes? Is there anything to gain from such an endeavor—and, I know, I’ve already blown it by looking for gain. Arg! Maybe I should stick with chocolate as a spiritual practice.
Still, I thought I’d give it a try. Even I should be able to commit to five freaking minutes a day. I decided right then that I’d do it again the next day.
And then I completely forgot about this decision.
For a week.
So, you know, I’m not enlightened yet.
But I’m trying.
P.S. Ever since typing in the title of this post, I’ve had Joan Jett singing Ch-ch-ch-ch-CherryBOMB! in my head. Along with the song is the picture of Ms. Jett herself, playing an immortal pretending to suicide off a high rise, on a first season ep of “Highlander” (There can be only one!) while Cherrybomb plays, and WOW did she have a bad French accent, what were they thinking giving her a flashback in France? But who cares, right? I love Joan Jett. And I hear she’s got a biopic coming out.
And it’s just this sort of scintillating inner dialogue that I have to give up, to some degree, if I’m ever going to be a meditator.
This project may be doomed.
state of the yoga practice: six months
Posted on February 4, 2010 - Filed Under yoga
That’s right. It’s been six months since I started doing a near-daily (more on that in a moment) ashtanga yoga practice. How time flies! When I started I could barely limp through the surys—that’s the 10 sun salutation at the beginning, 5 surya namaskar A and 5 surya namaskar B. It took me three months to build up to doing the whole Primary Series, with lots and lots of Swenson variations. Now, three months later and a lot of the variations have passed by. Most notabe, to me, is that I can hold the real chaturanga 
to upward facing dog,
suspended in the air, throughout the series now, rather than spending most (all, when I started) of them on my knees (or even chest) on the floor. Woo-hoo! I’m getting stronger!
I dreamed last night that I hopped effortlessly into bhujapidansana 
and was terrifically surprised, as in, wow! I can do this! It’s not hard at all! That was a cool dream. In real life, I can’t get my feet off the floor without falling on my bum, boing. (Yes, I bounce, what’s it to you?)
But then today, in practice, I found that I could, in fact, effortlessly do bakasana 
, which is part of the bhuja exit, so howdy doody. I’m getting there.
So, about the ‘near-daily’ thing. For the last few months I had been on a three-day-on, one-day-off, schedule, mostly because on the fourth day I felt really tired and didn’t want to do yoga. I’m all about not doing what I don’t want to do. That gave me a five day a week practice. Traditional ashtanga practice is six days a week, but I figured I was in the ballpark. Then I got inspired by some ashtangi bloggers in the cybershala, Grimmly, Boodiba, and Skippity, who were all talking about what a difference that sixth day made. Then I heard Lino Miele, on his South American dvd, being asked, why practice every day? His answer: I asked Guruji this very question and his answer: you eat every day don’t you? So you practice every day.
I thought, heck, what’s one more day? I’ll try it for my own self and see.
Well, it turns out, for me, it isn’t the number of days per week, but the number of days in a row. That fourth day, I was tired, but pushed through (beware pushing in yoga!!!). The fifth day was grueling. I gave it up for the sixth day. My wrists had started hurting, too (see? don’t push in yoga), and I felt exhausted. Interesting. I mentioned it to Grimmly, who suggested shorter practices, perhaps some of the Swensen short forms. And I thought, I can’t do that, that’s cheating! But the lure of the sixth day still called, so I decided to compromise. Sharath, the Big Daddy of ashtanga now that his grandfather has passed (I hate that I’ll never meet Sri K. Pattabhi Jois!!! I found ashtanga just a bit too late….:( ), has a dvd that moves through the whole primary series in about an hour. It accomplishes this by holding the poses for two or three breaths each instead of the traditional five. I thought, well, if I can’t do 90 minutes (my usual primary series duration) six days a week, maybe I can do a 60 minute primary six days a week, for a while, to build up.
I’m on week two of six days of the Sharath Express, Saturdays off. Twice I’ve turned in a short practice of surys, standing, and finishing, then collapse.
It IS different. Hard to explain how, yet—I can feel it, but can’t describe yet. The psychological shift is most noticeable to me so far, but I can feel the physical changes as well. Watch this space for further reports.
And the wrists…I have these skinny little bird wrists, just sticks, and the right one was broken when I was 18 and poorly set, resulting in a lumpy bone thing that sticks out on one side. Definitely a weak link for me. I’m scrupulous about alignment, not resting weight in the heel of my hand, for example, and if they start aching, I start sitting out the vinyasa here and there. When I back off a bit, they don’t hurt. No pushing through. I hope they are getting stronger along with the rest of me. We’ll see.
In other yoga news, I have been possessed by Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra and am reading a stack of them right now. Here are a few of the books on my pile at the moment…
Gobble, gobble. I can’t get enough. Weird.
Finally, I saw this video of Jois talking about ashtanga.
It’s been around a while—check out those sunglasses—but I was struck by how worked up he gets about the equal breath thing. If the inbreath is ten seconds, the out breath should be ten seconds, too. Well, that surely is not the case for me, ahem. So I decided to work on that a bit. My pitiful breaths are about four seconds, so I was counting, one two three four, in my head as I inhaled and exhaled, boring. I thought, surely someone has thought of some cool sanskrit mantra or something to say in one’s head instead of one two three four… Maybe I’ll pick a sutra a day! But that was too hard. Maybe later when the asana get easier. Still, I kept looking for something…
Then I thought of Metta meditation, a Buddhist thing, but hey, Richard Freeman says Buddhism and Yoga are basically the same thing anyway, except, I guess, the yogis get to be fit. I read Sharon Salzberg’s Lovingkindness book years ago on metta, and remembered how nice it was—basically you meditate on good wishes, first for yourself, then for people close to you, gradually expanding to people you don’t like, and then all sentient beings. Something like, “May I be free from hostility, free from affliction, free from distress; may I live happily. May Paul be free, may he be free from hostility, free from affliction, free from distress: maybe Paul live happily.” etc. There are lots of variations on the sayings. I was reminded of metta by this lovely quote in a comment on a yoga blog:
“The Pali word metta is a multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for the welfare and happiness of others (parahita-parasukha-kamana). Essentially metta is an altruistic attitude of love and friendliness as distinguished from mere amiability based on self-interest. Through metta one refuses to be offensive and renounces bitterness, resentment and animosity of every kind, developing instead a mind of friendliness, accommodativeness and benevolence which seeks the well-being and happiness of others. True metta is devoid of self-interest. It evokes within a warm-hearted feeling of fellowship, sympathy and love, which grows boundless with practice and overcomes all social, religious, racial, political and economic barriers. Metta is indeed a universal, unselfish and all-embracing love.”
Now, I know, I know, I can’t renounce bitterness and resentment. Those practically define my personality at least 37% of each day. But for a little while, during practice, maybe…?
So I made up a metta that has a four/four beat, for example, “May Sophie by happy, May Sophie be at peace, May Sophie be safe, May Sophie be free.” I do one sentence on the inhale, one round on the exhale, switching out myself, Paul, Sophie, and Luc, for the most part, and throwing in a few other folk every now and then.
It’s nice. I feel all relaxed and happy after an hour of Sharath Express Plus Metta. Who needs prozac?
And it’s good to have all these positive endorphins going in because I’ve been feeling quite ‘what’s the point’ with the whole writing thing lately. I think this is just the “I’m 3/4 through the current novel and I fear it is all a pile of crap” thing, but still. Bitterness and artistic despair are only a moment’s thought away. Like the icy driveway out there: it’s easy to slip and bust my ass.
And that’s the state of my practice. Maybe I’ll keep on this quarterly report schedule. Maybe I’ll be able to do an actual backbend by my next report. Maybe I’ll have found samahdi.
Hey. It could happen!
angelic mystery
Posted on February 1, 2010 - Filed Under kiddo life
It’s very strange….
….but there are angels….
….simply everywhere….
…around here.
I wonder where they are coming from?
We are so blessed!
They even come in sets…
…of two.
“There is snow in my underwear, Mom.”
ring around the moon
Posted on January 31, 2010 - Filed Under honeymilk farm
…means snow is coming soon.
It made me wish I was a heck of a lot better at photography. This was Thursday night, moon 98% full, and these strange lumpy, flat, clouds that Sophie said were the Underworld and Luc said looked like oatmeal. This picture is crap compared to what it looked like but there was a real-live-honest-to-gawd reddish ring around that gorgeous moon. Those old farmers who said a ring around the moon meant snow coming were right.
Hosts of angles came, too.
And cats.
We’re still snowed in, but hallelujah the power hasn’t gone out.
More when I find my camera. The yurt is a mess.
i just read about the new apple tablet…
Posted on January 27, 2010 - Filed Under geeklife
…and nearly wet myself with my geekgasm!
(It’s the one in the middle, between my beloved ipod touch, and my also beloved macbook. It’s a triumvirate of apply goodness!)
EXCEPT WHO THOUGHT OF THAT STUPID NAME???? I mean, really. iPad??? It sounds like something you use when you’re on the rag. Ew. What was wrong with iTablet? Or iBook? I like both of those names. Can we just collectively refuse to call it what apple wants to call it and rename it? In the name of everything good and holy, people! Please!
Name aside, this thing looks AMAZING. I adore my ipod touch, use it for everything, even reading, which I never thought I would. The (oh, I can barely stand to even type the name) iPad (ugh! ugh!) I am certain will just pick up where my ipod leaves off, fulfilling all my multi-media creation/consumption needs in one giant fireworks display of geek delight!
Oh, wait a minute, I have to, um, clean up this drool puddle. I must have left it there while reading gizmodo’s coverage of Steve Jobs talking tech revolution.
“The revolution will now be apple-ized.”
How embarrassing.
So, anyway, I’m putting my spare change in a jar as we speak, to save up for one. By the time I get six or seven hundred bucks, they’ll have gone to 2Gen, worked out a few bugs, and hopefully have changed the name.
I can’t wait!
Updated the next day: I just read a little more about this thing and I have to admit, my adoration-from-afar is just growing. I honestly think this one is going to blow the roof off the publishing industry. And it looks gorgeous. Poor kindle. Kindle gets kudos for going first, but the iPad is in another class altogether. And of course, it is much much more than an e-reader w/ebook store built in. I am so impressed.
the idiot hat, or, sophie has had enough
Posted on January 25, 2010 - Filed Under kiddo life
We get grumpy. Everyone gets grumpy, right? Sometimes its hard to want to be a good enough person not to inflict one’s grumpiness on others. Sometimes being a jerk feels good. For a little while. Until the remorse kicks in. Except lately the the remorse hits me mid-jerk-ness, which kind of takes the shine off the whole “I’m an asshole and I’m loving it” moment. Ah, well.
But anyway, Sophie came up with a solution to the problem of Other People’s Grumpiness last night that is simply astonishing in its effectiveness. Paul (yes, I’m certain it was Paul this time, and not me, why do you ask?) had received the deadly infection of grumpiness from…from wherever it comes from, and acting under Grumpiness’s influence, he said something snooty to Sophie. Who promptly made him a paper hat with the word “IDIOT” written on it.
“Here,” she said. “You have to wear this.”
Paul looks at it doubtfully. “What is it?”
“It’s an Idiot Hat.”
He starts smiling. “You made me an Idiot Hat?”
Totally serious. “Yes.”
“How long do I have to wear it?”
“Until you do something nice.”
Paul puts it on his head where it kind of perches, wobbling, being, as it is, a bit too small. “Fair enough.”
The genius of the Idiot Hat is that one does feel like an Idiot while wearing it, not because it looks funny—which it totally does—but because, through the magical and mysterious powers of The Hat, one is suddenly able to see, with painful clarity, just how much of an ass one has just been.
I could see all of this, from a distance, and enjoy its efficacy, but it was not until this morning that I truly understood.
Pre-coffee, the infection of grumpiness hit me. I snapped at Luc.
From the other side of the yurt comes Sophie’s calm, announcing voice: “Idiot Hat for Mom.”
I burst out laughing.
lino miele dvd double feature
Posted on January 22, 2010 - Filed Under reviews, yoga
Since I started this ashtanga kick, every month or so, I need an inspiration to keep going. I’ve found piles of this in the generous outpouring of blogs from other ashtangis. And every now and then I get a dvd. My last dvd purchase was Anne Nuotio, which I loved. This time, I decided to try Lino Miele’s fairly newish primary series video, and the very new South American workshop dvd. A double feature! Here is one gal’s review of both.
First the primary series dvd.
If I had to sum up my impression of this dvd with one word, it would be elegant. Lino’s practice is elegant, the framing of the shots is elegant, the music is elegant (a lone sax, I think, I’m not very good at instrument identification, and then several lovely classical pieces for the short sections), the shala is elegant, the asana names subtly zipping across the screen are elegant, Lino is elegant. It’s all like perfect tiramisu or something. Very Roman. Very nice.
There are four sections. The main event is Lino doing his elegant practice, not a fidget, not a spare move or breath, a delight to watch. There is no voice over, just the music and his breathing. Then there is a short lecture (Italian with English subtitles) on a few of the basics such as ujjayi breathing, when in the breathing to jump through, etc. He talks a class through a few poses and it gives a chance to see him interact with students, and get a feel for him, very short but okay. Then there is a short little bit, kind of a yoga music video on the ‘dance’ of a mysore class set to a famous waltz (I’m blanking on the name at the moment) with students coming and going, moving into poses, getting adjusted, kissing on both cheeks, smiling. Last there is a short slide show of photos from Lino’s life, several nice shots in India, of him teaching, of him in advanced poses, friends kicking back on beaches. Obviously the meat of the dvd is the practice section.
I like this dvd for its beauty, for having an older yogi, for the humor that rides beneath its surface, and I’m inspired by Lino’s exceptionally clean practice. But, I find, I was a bit disappointed anyway. It isn’t a practice dvd, really, because, with no voice over, it would be hard to follow along since you can’t watch a dvd while you do your yoga. Which makes it more of a documentation of Lino doing his thing—valuable, yes, but… Even a simple voice over, perhaps as an optional track, with just the names and the counting and a hint here or there, would have greatly increased the dvd’s use to me as a support in learning to have a practice as clean and on-the-breath as Lino’s is. I would have liked that. Or a track talking about his inner experience of the practice as he goes, that would have been cool, too. But no go. As is it’s kind of a watch once and put away, rather than a dvd in regular rotation. I’m sure I’ll watch again, but not as a repeat thing the way some of my other yoga dvds hit the player fairly regularly.
So, still a thumbs up, but it didn’t deliver the full monty for me.
Next up, South America.
This dvd is a sort of documentary of a Lino workshop in Buenos Aires. The main portion is a led primary, full vinyasa, Lino calling it out to a room full of ashtangis. Very simple asana names, counting, a word here or there. In addition there is an interview with Lino, and another of his musical interludes, plus a guided relaxation piece at the end of the practice section.
Okay, what I wanted when I ordered this was something along the lines of Kino’s workshop dvd which, while regrettably short, was packed with great info, a kind of compressed version of one of her workshops on strength and jumpbacks. That is, I wanted the stuff Lino says outside and around the actual practice. I’ve got enough led primary sort of material. Anyone really could have been calling out the count—the fact that it was Lino Miele didn’t really add anything to that section. It was cool to see all the yogis doing their thing, but, eh. It was also kind of boring, I have to admit.
Moving on, next, the interview section, and it was nice, but I wanted to goose the girl asking the questions and feed her some more good ones, fewer generic ashtanga questions (pregnancy and practice, for example) and more stuff only Lino could answer, such as:
What’s it like, really, to do this practice for twenty-plus years? What’s your practice like now? What was your relationship with Guruji like? Was he still teaching you things, were you still learning from him, or had it plateaued at some point? What’s the dark side of ashtanga yoga? What texts have you studied and found valuable? Have you studied sanskrit? Why or why not? What is one’s mula bandha like after twenty years? Has it gotten more subtle or can you now crack walnuts? What are some challenges you have faced in this practice? What do you wish you had figured out sooner? Have you had injuries? How did you work with them? Have you ever wanted to give it up? Gotten bored? Become disillusioned? If so, what brought you back? How did it come to be that you wrote the book with Guruji? What was that like? Can you talk about some moments where you had a breakthrough in some way, inner or outer? How has the inner experience of the practice changed for you over your twenty years of doing it?
Etc.
Oh, and there were a couple of moment in the practice section where you could see everyone kind of laughing, and you know he had just said something funny, but they cut it in order to maintain the led primary for the dvd and I wanted to shout, “No! I wanted the jokes! I wanted the personality!” There are a few clips of him on youtube teaching and he looks like he’s a hoot in person, quite charming and funny. Like I said, there are tons of led primaries to be had—for this dvd, I wanted to see Lino being Lino. I wanted to see him teach.
I’m so picky, right? If only the voice over for the second dvd had been put on the first (it doesn’t work because the second is full vinyasa and not so clean, whereas the first is a perfect half-vinyasa practice). If only the second had had all the stuff in the workshop besides the led primary. I’m so hard to please!
So, okay, this dvd was a bit of a let down for me. Me and my expectations always messing things up. Because really, it’s a nice sort of ashtanga basics soft-sell documentary. It just didn’t give me what I wanted. [pout]
There you have it, Lino double feature. He seems to be an awesome teacher and yogi. Hey, Lino, come to North Carolina so I can take a class with you, okay? Please? And if you do another dvd, let me do the interview.
okay, you’re probably getting sick of these by now…
Posted on January 20, 2010 - Filed Under kiddo life, making things
Take away message:
Play is an awesome creative power when you just get out of the way of the fun.
Okay. Now, let me introduce the most recent addition to our flower fairy family….
(And because I can’t help myself, here is one more, a fairy our cousin Tracie made. I love the apron.)
But here’s the next leveling-up of the game: Sophie is now into setting up little felt picture backdrops, staging tiny scenes as it were, and taking photos of them….
This is a little nighttime walk the fairies were taking. Photo, story, backdrop, and fairy-voices, all by Sophie.
Where will it end? I’m thinking full-on Shakespearean dramas told in flower-fairy-felt-photo-format.
Huzzah!
best photo ever
Posted on January 18, 2010 - Filed Under kiddo life
Look how confident she is! At five, she can ride western, do the posting thing (that’s when the horse trots and you lift your butt out of the saddle on every other beat), ride without stirrups, and can post without even holding the reins, holding her arms out like a circus performer. Amazing! Sophie just knocks my socks off. She only goes riding for 30 min a week—I’m sure she would love to do more but it’s expensive. I just love this picture though, she looks so pleased and happy. There is so much life in her little body!
how to make a heartblock
Posted on January 17, 2010 - Filed Under yoga
Last week I decided I wanted a heartblock, that is, a wooden yoga prop that you lie across to unbend and open your thoracic spine.
It’s an antidote to puzzle back, and fairy-doll making, and writing, and just about any stooping-over activity, of which I do many. I get scared I’m going to become one of those little old ladies that permanently look down at their feet. And how will I ever achieve a free-standing, comfortable Urdhva Dhanurasana if I can’t get my chest to open?
Barring a hammer and chisel, I mean.
These heartblock thingies look perfect. But, whoa, they are like $200! Um, no thanks.
Have no fear, I told Paul of my plight and he offered to make me one. Woot! How cool is that? So, this is how he did it.
First I found a bunch of photos from different companies that make ‘em.
They look like dinosaurs, right? You scoot your butt up to the back legs, drape yourself across it, with your head near the dino-head. I know, it’s hard to imagine, but it works, really.
Okay based on these, I ‘built’ a bunch of mock ups with the kid’s wooden blocks and my various yoga props and tried resting (delicately, because they tended to collapse) on them to see what size and shape was perfect. This part was pretty funny, actually. The kids were curious. “What are you DOING, Mom?” No photo though. I wish I’d thought to take a few.
Anyway, this phase resulted in a silhouette cut out of a paperbag. It was this piece of paper that I handed to Paul.
He looks at for a minute and kind of grunts and the wanders off into the yard. I’m calling out questions like, “what kind of wood would be good? Do you think you’ll build it up from several boards, or carve it out of one piece? Where do you get a big chunk of wood like that?” He answers by wandering back with a chunk of pine out of the wood pile. And I say, “Um…? Are you sure about this?”
Next, spray paint.
It’s an optical illusion that the cut-out on the left is so small. It’s actually huge. I can’t figure out why it looks so small. Maybe it’s really far away?
Paul is one of those guys that feels most challenges can be better faced with the judicious use of power tools. Thus, “Honey, can you make me a yoga prop,” clearly is cause for breaking out the chain saw.
And the grinder.
There goes the bark…
More grinding and then…
Wow! Clearly he decided to dispense with the whole dino-look. But who cares because when I did this…
Ahhh…..Perfect!
After I tested it out, he gave it a once over with the sander and poof, I had me a heartblock. It took him about an hour. “You just saved us $200!” “I’ll send you a bill,” he says.
And that’s how you make one of those critters. If you’re Paul.
keep looking »
