dora the demonic force of musical evil

This is Dora.

Dora is a multi-gazillion dollar franchise with tv, book, toy, game, happy meal, etc., tie-ins and a musical component that is the aural equivalent of ebola.  I’m serious.  The songs on her show have to be the most annoying music in the history of the musical world times ten.

For example, the little purple thing on her back there is her back-pack. It gets it’s own song.  I can’t even say the word ‘back-pack’ without the stupid ass back-pack song, a tune that infects my brain for days after the briefest exposure, getting stuck in my head. “Back pack, back pack…”  It turns into so many things.  “Bad cat, bad cat…” “Jump back, jump back…”, “Fuck that, fuck that…” You get the picture.

Paul is particularly susceptible to this infection, using his own made up lyrics, of course, and at a moment’s exposure will have the back-pack tune in his brain for weeks.  It’s gotten to the point where he starts singing it, maybe he’s making breakfast, or tying his shoes, or just walking around the yard, some phrase, or half-phrase even, triggers the song in his head and he starts singing it, and one of the kids goes over and socks him.  No talking, no explanations, just wham!   The poor man can’t stop himself, I know, but I can’t help but feel their pain.  The song is a nightmare.

It isn’t like we watch the show.  The infection can come in on a commercial—of which there are many—while we innocently watch something else.  What to do? What to do?  My family is turning into a mass of barely contained violence and musical torture.

I knew we had reached critical mass the other day in the grocery store, walking along, looking for apple juice, when we passed a box of Dora cereal and Sophie stood there, finger pointing in total accusation, and said, “DORA, I CURSE YOU.”

I’m not kidding there, she really said that!

Why are these songs so catchy, when they are so bad?  Who writes them and what drugs are they on?  What is their end-game?  Or maybe I don’t want to know.

We’re getting help.  I’m calling in an exorcist.  I’ll let you know how it goes.