the santa clause: we have some questions for you

I mentioned in my Christmas post that we watched the Tim Allen movies, The Santa Clause 1, 2, & 3, over the holiday week and enjoyed them muchly. Then a few days ago, the kids and I got into quite a discussion about them.

Mr. Allen, we have some questions for you.

FIrst, why is Santa old? That is, since Scott Calvin, the guy who becomes Santa in the movies, is maybe forty, but, by the magic of Santa, is made to have white hair and all that, that is, he is made to look old…why? Why does Santa have to look old? I suggested that it was about the story of Santa, that he’s a grandfatherly figure, it’s a quality to the energy of Santa-ness. Okay, fine, but Is Scott Calvin aging underneath the Santa-appearance somehow? Will the human performing the Santa role live out a normal human life span? Or is he immortal as long as he is Santa? And how long can he stay Santa? If he IS getting old under the Santa Look, then maybe twenty years or so? He doesn’t seem to be negatively impacted by all the milk and cookies—I mean, he has the weight, but in #1 the doctor pronounced him healthy as a horse, despite the thick layer of adipose tissue around his midsection, predisposing a non-legendary-figure to heart disease. So, just how does it work?

Cookies you say?

Another one: Are all the legendary figures in the movies humans who take their role for a period of time, similar to the Santa Clause? Does Mother Nature have a family somewhere that she visits, the way Scott Calvin does?

And who wrote the contract on that card? Who, or what, enforces said contract? Who set this situation up, of humans filling this role? When did it start?

How about this one: Why don’t people notice a present or two under the tree that no member of the family actually bought? Luc suggested that maybe part of the magic is that someone takes credit for the presents Santa delivers, or that maybe the magic makes it so the people don’t notice the mystery present. Or maybe the people forget to wonder about it? I thought that was a pretty good guess.

Do only people who believe in Santa get presents from him?

Could Santa’s magic end world hunger?

One of my favorite scenes is when Santa gives awesome presents to the walking-dead faculty at Carol’s faculty party. (“Look, that guy just moved!”) Bending the space-time continuum is given as the answer for how Santa delivers all the presents in one night—so is that how he gets the elves to make the right presents for the faculty party? I mean, the usual method for determining presents is The List, but those grown-ups weren’t on The List. So when did those presents get assembled? Maybe magic tells the elves what to make, and then they make the toys (or otherwise acquire them?) and send the toys to Santa’s sack, along with some space-time-mojo, by the time of the party? Magic just makes it work out?

And, hey, is Mrs. Claus a Legendary Figure, too? That is, does Carol, in #2, become a Legendary Figure with the same magical rules as Santa? Does she have any magic? Does she have a contract? Are the terms of her engagement listed somewhere? Where? Or is she a human?

Do I get dental with that?

What’s it like to be a thirty-something woman getting married to a forty-something man and he turns 80 on the alter? Weird, right?

(I totally think it’s cool that they gave Santa a sex life. He’s so generous and happy—I bet he’s a titan in bed.)

Forget the lame Jack Frost plot, honey. Let’s shag!

And what’s up with those elves? They’re so passive. Maybe they have very little will of their own? I mean, they don’t seem to do much unless Santa tells them to, and they don’t seem smart enough to be a thousand years old—unless their inherent nature is somehow more static than a human consciousness of that age would be? We discussed the elves for a bit, but couldn’t figure them out.

And what happened to Bernard? Did he retire? Go on Elf Vacation?

Here’s a big one: are all the Jack Frosts bad people, inherently, because all their hearts become frozen? Does someone else become Jack Frost when he gets thawed out by Lucy in #3? Who would that be? Or is there no frost, anywhere, for a bit of time, until a replacement is found? He says, “they said it couldn’t be done,” with regard to thawing his heart–how long has he been Jack Frost? Was it a willing conversion, or, like Santa, did he fall into it?

I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.

Which brings me to this final, perhaps most important, question: If Scott Calvin became a kinder, more open hearted, generous person when he became Santa (which he seemed to), then when he stopped being Santa in #3, did he feel his old tight-hearted ways return? The elves said that Scott Calvin was a ‘really good Santa’ implying that there had been Not So Good Santa’s, and indeed, it appeared that Jack Frost was a ‘bad’ Santa, in which case, why didn’t the Spirit of Christmas get into Jack Frost and make him a good guy, the way it had with Scott Calvin? Or did becoming Santa allow Scott Calvin to let out his natural, innate Santa-like qualities, rather than making him more Santa-like by magic? That is, would becoming Santa automatically make you a nicer person, or could you resist, like Jack Frost? Could someone get the job of Santa and stay an asshole?

Hey, baby, come here often?

I know, I know, you aren’t supposed to think too deeply about these movies, they are just light Christmas-themed entertainment, relax and enjoy the show, right? But that’s like saying, “Stop thinking!” and where’s the fun in that? I think they should make Santa Clause 4 pronto, so that they can address some of these pressing issues.

Or maybe I’ll just cook up some of Judy’s coco and make up some cool answers my own self.