are you buying this?

It was a quiet long-weekend around here for us. But I did get my semi-annual mommy-afternoon-off—woo hoo! I decided to go to the movies, all by my own little self. Man, I used to love going to the movies. I’d meet my cousin every Monday and see a matinee of…whateverthefuck, I sure didn’t care. But it’s been years since those days of carefree Monday afternoons and I was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, not only by the price (nine bucks for a matinee???), but by the ADS. I’m not talking about previews. I mean ads. When did this happen?

Okay, I’m sure this is not news to most people. But there were SEVEN ads before the previews even started. I was flabbergasted. Trapped in a dark room with fifty strangers and forced to watch seven ads back-to-back I realized, in these days of netflix and dvr, how few ads I see anymore. And they were…weird. I mean, do these things really work to sell stuff? Does anyone really buy something because of seeing an ad?

The first ad (and no, I’m not going to do all seven) was this really freaking bizarre hard-sell for the National Guard that totally grossed me out. Massive, driving, aggressive soundtrack, Black Hawk Down cinematography, undertone words of “Who will be the next hero?” and images straight out of the movies of attractive, clean soldiers doing all the things you’ve ever seen them do in the heroic moments of soldier movies. You know, carrying their buddy off the battle field (“never leave your comrade behind!”), saving children from a burning building (complete with fancy fire-coming-at-you special effects), flying multi-bazillion-dollar equipment (toys!), training with each other in a test of wills a la “Officer and a Gentleman,” etc. For heaven’s sake, does anyone really believe this is what it is like in the military??? For one thing, the soldiers depicted were either shown saving someone, or pretending to fight in a training situation. Never actually killing someone, which is what all that fancy equipment is for y’all. And hey, I was a military brat, I know something of which I speak—where was the boredom? The humiliation? The loss of personal freedom? The paperwork? I wanted to turn to the teen-agers behind me and ask if they were buying it, and give them a good talking-to if they were (am I getting old?) but I’d already scared them off by asking them (hey, I was nice about it!) to stop kicking my seat. I was horrified by this ad, let me tell you.

Anyway, after we saved the world from a faceless enemy, the second ad was for…wait for it…mayonnaise! That’s right! They advertise mayo at the movies now! I really, really thought this was a farce. At any second it would turn into a joke, these semi-seventies-looking people having happy cholesterol-filled lives were really going to be zombies, or the film would ‘break’ revealing the true ad beneath. Something. But nope, it was a straight-up, irony-free, mayo ad that showed a dozen dishes (including a desert splattered with mayo flecks, ewwww) and a dozen family members just thrilled with life, eating them up—or no, maybe no one was actually eating, just serving the dishes to other people. Maybe eating would be too yucky looking?

Now, listen, I really like mayo. I even make my own. But by the end of this ad, I felt nauseous. Talk about an ad mis-firing.

Or was it just me? Does this sort of thing work on anyone?

The next ad was for a car, I forget which one. These young people had scored (as in, ‘made lines in’) the pavement of a long, straight stretch of road, probably out west somewhere, such that a variety of tones were made when a car drove over the different sections of scoring. (You know how it makes a sound when you hit the scoring on the side of the road at night, when you’re trying not to fall asleep as you drive? No, I’ve never done that, why do you ask?). The variety of tones, as they drove over them, made a song. It took a moment to figure out that this was what was happening. I’m pretty sure the old guy sitting next to me never got it. But anyway, I liked the kookiness of this activity. I’m always in favor of people doing crazy stuff in the name of art. But I don’t get what it has to do with the car. Obviously, it doesn’t matter what car you’re driving to make the little song play. It just has to have tires, right? Is the brand trying to absorb the coolness of the young people’s art project? Do the ad people think they are creating a link there, something along the lines of, “If I get that car, I’ll be cool and creative like those young people…” ? Does that linking really work on anyone? I mean, it only takes a mili-second of direct thought to see that there is no link. Maybe they count on people not taking that mili-second?

There was a Wii ad for Super Mario Brothers. But by now I was starting to glaze. I decided I would count the ads, so I held up fingers to remember how many had gone by, because I knew I would never remember what number I was on if I didn’t. That’s how I know there were seven.

Glazing, sleepy, zoning out…. I remember there was a Wendy’s ad, but I don’t remember the actual ad—except that it had some surprising juxtapositions in it, only I don’t remember what they were, and the only reason I remember it at all was that the theater audience clapped! That made me wake up. People clapping? For an ad? That was strange. I wish I knew why they were clapping! Would they have clapped in their homes? Probably not. Did someone start the clapping and the rest followed, like a stampede? I noticed it was for Wendy’s because the clapping made me focus in on the screen for a second and there was “Wendy’s!” written on it. Maybe Wendy’s hired people to go into theaters across the nation and start clapping at that ad, just to get people to wake up at the crucial moment? Well, I did wake up. But I don’t want Wendy’s food. I know the difference between the appealing, colorful photos and the real item they serve you. Um…yuck. But really, clapping? Huh.

Okay, that’s five ads and I have no memory at all of the other two. If it was your company that paid a bazillion buckaroos for one of those spots, your ad made absolutely no impact on me. Unless I subliminally took in a fierce and irresistible desire to buy…whatever it was. But I doubt it. Sorry. You wasted your money. On me anyway.

Finally, the ads were over and we got…more ads. Previews I mean.

Am I so jaded/sophisticated/numb that ads just don’t work on me anymore? Is this unusual, or status quo for early 21st century American? Ad companies must be freaking desperate if they are trying to get people-like-me’s attention because it’s nigh impossible. My brain’s ad-blocking features are ninja. That is to say, I might even sit there and watch an ad because I’m curious about the little story, or the joke, or I’m trapped in a dark room and can’t leave, but the ad, ultimately, doesn’t work. Even for things I already want, the ads don’t appear to make me want the thing more, or want that brand of thing more, or want that thing sooner.

Maybe I am just not the target market?

Come on, tell the truth, did anyone in that theater go buy some mayonnaise?

And hey, to the fuckheads who started putting ads in front of movie previews: I PAID NINE BUCKS to get into that movie. I have to pay AND see ads? That is just wrong.

/rant