re-runs for art

When I was in my twenties, I had this whole thing about ‘life is short, repeat nothing.’ I felt like there was so much to experience, and so little time.  Watching a rerun, or re-reading a book, that was the same as flushing that time down the potty. And since I have always had a really good memory for stories (it’s kind of freaky, I can’t tell you what day it is, most times, but I can recall complicated plot lines, including lines of dialogue, from movies I saw a decade ago) it really seemed like there was no point in going over the same ground again. On to the next thing, that was my motto.

My Sophie, 4, has no such judgments. Fearlessly she lets herself love what she loves, in whatever way, for however long, she cares to. It’s part of her play, to repeat stories, over and over, watching, reading, drawing, acting portions of them out, until at some point, she’s done, and on to the next thing. I think this is so cool. She trusts her creative process. Unlike me, who constantly questions my process, wondering if I’m wasting my time, fiddle-faddling, and shouldn’t I get on with some more valuable use of my time?

Right now, she’s into the Pixar movie, Monster’s Inc. She has watched it every night for the past week. Before that it was Ratatouille. Here is a picture she drew, Sully the Scarer is in the middle, Mike the little, green, one-eyed guy, to the right, and the gal with the snakes for hair is on the left. I asked her about the orange creature and she said she would point him out to me next time she watches.

Is creative process the same thing, basically, as play? People say play is fun, but I don’t think it is, exactly, not all the time. Sometimes I see my kids really struggling in their play, trying to get it the way they want it, sometimes going through periods of hard work with intense focus, sometimes getting bored and giving up on something and moving on. Sometimes it flows and they’re having a great time, of course, but sometimes…not so much. Which pretty much perfectly describes what it is like to write a novel.

Following Sophie’s lead, I have been letting myself watch this movie-which-will-remain-unnamed over and over, because I like it, or I’m fascinated by parts of it, or maybe it’s just wanking off, I’m not sure, but watching it, taking notes, thinking about the bits that move me…it feels like I’m trying to metabolize something. So that, perhaps, those elements show up in a new Maya-fied shape in my current novel. I’ve been calling it “my research.” And maybe it is. Or maybe I’m just playing. Or maybe there isn’t a difference.  There doesn’t seem to be a difference for Sophie.

My twenty-something year old self wouldn’t approve. But some people’s creative process involves a bottle of alcohol every night, you know? I’ve just got all this angst, and right now, this movie watching thing. So maybe I’m just going to go with it and see where it takes me. I wish I could be as fearless as my four year old.