Why I think my sister should not go back to work yet

Let me start by saying I’m a feminist, equal rights for women, right to choose, the whole nine yards. I don’t think Women’s Place is in the Home. Or anything about Women as a Group, except maybe that Women Need Chocolate, but I’m sure there are exceptions, even to that.

So when I say that I think my sister should stay home with her almost one year old, it’s not that I’m on some trip about Women. Okay? And clearly these are just my opinions and I’ll love her whatever she decides.

But obviously, I’ve chosen to stay home with my kids. Hell, I’ve done the whole AP, EC, RU thang. And in the case of my sister, I’ve got an opinion, that staying at home with her new kiddo is the best choice. And she asked me why, so here we go.

1- We’re all going to die. (Thank you Jon and Rue Kream.) In fact, we could all die later today. If you die later today, and your kid is a daycare, won’t you wish you had spent your last hours with him? Won’t he? And if he dies later today, won’t you feel the same? Won’t you viciously kick yourself for every hour he spent in daycare and not with you? This is not some far off, philosophical, crap. People lose their kids all the time. And kids lose their parents. We’re all going to die. Make the best use of the time you have together.

2- He needs you. Yes, he may ‘be all right’ at day care. Kids grow up in war torn, bomb ridden, states of starvation, too. (Not that I’m comparing most day care to such.) But just because humans can make it without getting their needs met, it doesn’t mean they should. We see evidence of the sickness of the chronic feeling of not getting our needs met everywhere: greed, intolerance, hate, depression, loneliness, boredom, hunger, etc. People who have their needs met are happier. More relaxed. More laid back and peaceful. More kind. You know he needs you because he asks for you, wants you. And you know it, too, because your heart hurts thinking about leaving him. Your heart is right. He needs you. You.

3- You had children for your own pleasure. Because you thought it would make your life more full. So let yourself have the goodies you wanted when you made that choice. Be with your kid. Receive them. Don’t pack them off for someone else to get the pleasure of their company. You can only have a great relationship with your son if you are with him.

4- He will only be one year old for one year. Then your chance to be with him, as a one year old, is gone forever. You don’t get another chance. People say “it’s never too late to be a better parent,” or whatever. Well, they’re wrong. It IS too late to have a full, wonderful connection with your 1year old, once they aren’t 1 any more. And it gets harder and harder to reconnect. There will always be jobs, cool jobs, long after he is older, growing, growing, gone. You’ve got decades and decades of jobs ahead of you. He will only have one childhood. He will only be one for 365 days. Don’t miss it.

5- Daycare sucks. Even really good daycare. Unless home is really bad and daycare is an improvement over yelling, fighting parents or whathaveyou, daycare is being left by the people you love, with strangers (even kind strangers, but let’s face it they don’t love you, not anywhere close, the way Mom does), only to be lumped in with a group of other people who happen to be the same age, and made to do whatever they do, eat what and when they eat, rest when they rest, conform, losing touch with your sense of what you want and need and love, in favor of manageability for the daycare workers (who may be wonderful people, but often are there for the money and sometimes hate their jobs). Daycare is about the convenience of the parents, not about what a kid needs. Sometimes it’s the best solution. But not if there is a better alternative. If there is a loving, fun home, staying there with Mom is light years better, to the kid, then being sent to daycare. Period.

6-You are the love of his life right now. No one will ever love you the way a new baby loves his mommy. This will pass, all too soon. Why trade that for some job?

Okay, to sum up, he needs you, this is what you signed on for, it only lasts a little while and then it’s gone, the alternative isn’t great for him, and your heart doesn’t lie. Listen to your heart.

This is my story and I’m sticking to it.