the counting thing

There is something about children that can make otherwise intelligent, thoughtful people stop thinking. Maybe we don’t know what to do, so we grab the nearest tool and try to use it to get what we want, without stopping to critically and consciously consider how we are behaving. This really bugs me. Especially when I do it.

At a parent/kid event the other day I saw a loving, friendly, involved father do ‘the counting thing’ to get his daughter to comply with his demand to come sit for some portion of the event. I’ve heard it a million times, a harried parent says something like “Sam, get over here now, one, two, three…” and the kid usually scurries over.

Okay, this is bullying. This is a bigger person forcing a smaller person to comply by threatening them. I doubt that father would think of it this way, but really, what is the semi-veiled threat that is promised at the end of the counting? Probably force of some kind, right? Something bad will happen at the end of this count if you don’t do what I want you to do, and I’m going to do that bad thing, to you. Bullying. If my husband said that to me, in public, “Maya, get over here, one, two, three…” people would think he was some kind of monster, or at least a jerk. But it is such a common way to interact with a child that this upstanding man was unembarrassed to be seen and heard acting in this way to his kid. Why is it okay to bully people? Even if they are young?

When I hear something coming out of my mouth by rote, I try to stop and consider. I especially watch myself for bullying: raising my voice, shaming, any “if you don’t ____, then I’m going to______”, threats. I don’t want to be mean to people I love. And bullying is mean.

Okay, I’m done.