7 All-Time Best Parenting Tips in the World (today)

I’ve been thinking about things I have heard, or read, or discovered, over the last four years that have radically changed my parenting for the better. I thought I’d make a list.

1- HALT.

If things aren’t going well, I try this little self-quiz. Are the kiddos Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? In other words, don’t focus on the behavior. Focus on helping them meet the need behind the behavior.

2- Get on the floor and play with them.

70% of the time, this is the solution to whatever the ‘kid problem’ of the moment is. They love it. It makes them so happy–and happy kiddos usually solves the problem. The 30% of the time this doesn’t help right away, it gives me information that I need to help them, so, in a way, it helps 100% of the time.

3- Find a way to say Yes to Just About Everything.

Instead of saying a knee-jerk No to some of the crazy stuff the kids want to do (Let’s hammer nails into the dining room table! Let’s paint each other!), figure out what part of the craziness is the important part, and find a way to make that happen. Maybe it is the hammering, not the location (which was just convenient–and don’t worry, I caught on to that plan before it was implemented), so help them hammer into a scrap of wood. And maybe we can switch to the non-toxic paint and take the game outdoors. Switch from “No!” to “Hey, cool, but let’s try it this way….” I want to be their ally, not their roadblock. Then they come to me for help, instead of sneaking behind my back.

4- Make this moment fun, friendly, and safe.

This moment. Don’t try to teach some lesson so they won’t do it again in future moments. Don’t worry about how, in the future, they won’t have this, or they’ll have to do that. Don’t try to be a better parent for the rest of my life. Just this moment. Keep the focus on right NOW. Fill life with happy, sweet moments that then turn into happy, sweet memories.

5- Be the change I want to see.

Okay, that’s a slogan and I hate slogans, but this one does help me. If I’m having a problem with my kids not sharing, for example, I need to be more generous to them. If they are yelling and interrupting, I need to stop yelling, talk more sweetly, and stop interrupting them. If they’re leaving a mess everywhere, I need to cheerfully clean it up. In other words, model the behavior I long to see in my kids. No one become generous, or sweet natured, or cheerfully neat, or whatever, by being shamed, yelled at, punished, or reprimanded. Which leads me to:

6- Become a better person.

Really. Work to become a kinder person. More fun. Learn better jokes. Become more interesting. More patient. Become someone that anyone with half a brain would want to hang out with. If I’m falling into being a grump monster, or boring, or self-involved, or controlling, then people, including my kids, won’t want to be around me (much less be nice to me). Every parenting issue is improved, and often solved, by sincerely trying to be a better person in that moment.

(No easy task. Sometimes I have this demented inner voice that doesn’t want to be a good person. She says, “Screw being kind! I want to kill him!” But that really doesn’t help. Being a peaceful, kind, friendly, patient person helps.)

7- Connect instead of disconnect.

When I think I need to get away, especially when I’m really grumpy about it, I’m disconnected from my kids. If I’m sitting there wishing I were somewhere else, doing something else, the problem isn’t that I need more ‘me-time.’ The problem is that I have gotten disconnected from them, and the solution is not more separation. The solution is to connect. This is counter-intuitive, but it really works. There is often tremendous resistance to this one, but the truth is, when I’m connected with them, I can see how incredibly cool they are. They are my favorite people! And suddenly I remember how much I love to hang out with them, and then I’m having fun, and then I don’t want ‘me-time.’ I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world.

Wow, my longest post yet.